Max's Bewbs Will Save Humanity
by Pugz
Summary: Read at your own risk xD Set one month after FANG so some spoilers. Inspired by my craziness and South Park!


I'm going to say this now: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

This one shot is me being crazy and makes no sense what so ever! Some of it is just poking fun in the most extreme way possible and others are my thoughts about the plot holes and stuff.

Oh, and it's my first MR Fan Fic xD

Enjoy.

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Max's Bewbs Will Save Humanity!

It's been month since Fang left us, with nothing more than a note and he's stupid laptop (which I threw out of the window); and I will quite happily tell you that I am _over_ him! O-V-E-R! Jeb had then conveniently moved in with Mr. I-Like-To-Walk-Around-In-Just-My-Boxers-And-Act-Adorably-Bashful-When-Max-Sees-Me.

It's becoming harder to resist smothering his gorgeous chest in chocolate and licking it off.

"Max." Angel, the little traitor, pulls me from my trance. I drag my eyes away from Hunkzilla's tight ass in snug jeans, as he bent over to look in the cupboard, to look at her. "Can we go pick strawberries?"

My eyes narrowed in suspicion and a sense of déjà vu washed over me. That line sounded _so_ familiar. "Sure." I watch the smile spread across her lying face and smiled tightly. "When Jeb sprouts wings and flies."

Her smile falls into a frown. _"__I hate you.__"_ She sends into my mind.

"_And I__'__d like to rip off your wings and drop kick you out of the window.__"_ My smile remains and she storms off to suck up to Jeb. Score one for Max. I look back to Dylan, hoping his ass is still in view, but find him staring out of the window. "What's wrong, Sexy - I mean - Dylan?" I bat my eyelashes.

"Gazzy's back with Iggy." He says and smiles. I drool. "With donuts."

"Donuts?" Oh crap. I bolt up from my seat at the table and scream up the stairs. "NUGDE! Gazzy and Iggy have _donuts_!"

"Donuts?" She suddenly appears at the top of the stairs; her chocolate skin paling. "Should I warn Angel and Jeb?"

What a stupid question. "No, send them down."

"What's wrong with donuts?" Dylan asks from the kitchen doorway. "Will the jam explode or something?"

"No, it's worse. Much, much worse." I give him my 'serious leader' look. "Get upstairs."

"I don't understand what's wrong." He tilts his head to the side and I storm over, grab him by the shirt and pull him down to my level.

"What was one of the first rules I taught you?" I hiss.

"Don't argue with Max?"

"Exactly. Now get in my room so we can make out while Jeb and Angel suffer through-" The door flies open and Iggy slides in with a box of donuts in hand. I'm too late, there's no escape now!

"I've got donuts, powdered donuts!" Iggy begins, standing with his legs spread shoulder width and the pink box held over his head. "I've got donuts are they are-" Gazzy slides in through Iggy's legs on his knees. To join in the song. "SEXY!!!"

"They've got sugar." Gazzy continues on his own, getting to his feet and spinning around the room. "Lots of sugar. Cover me and bake me, oh please!"

Iggy joins in with the spinning on the opposite side of the room, not surprisingly not falling over anything. "I've got sprinkles, tiny sprinkles. I've got sprinkles and they are crunchy!"

My ears are bleeding! Dylan's cringing with his ears covered. We made up the Donut song when we were kids; but as Iggy and Gazzy grew they're voices got worse, ruining the best song _ever. _I've never been so thankful to see knock out gas in all my life!

* * *

"Max…Max…"

"Shut the hell up." I groan as I come around. As my eye peel open I can make out a blurry black figure across from me; I blink a few more times and raise my brow at the person dressed, literally, from head to toe in some kind of weird leather outfit.

"Good, you're awake." They pull at the padlock on their collar. "Can you wake Iggy so he can pick this lock?"

"Do I know you?" I study the person as I sit up and look around. Gazzy, Nudge, Iggy, Dylan. Would it be wrong of me to take advantage of him in his unconscious state?

"Concentrate Max." That tone…

"JEB!?" I gawk. "What the hell!?"

"Don't ask…" He sighs. "Just get Iggy to pick the lock."

I look around again. "Where's Angel?" Wait, stupid question. She's probably betrayed me _again_!

_I__'__m afraid it__'__s not as simple as that this time, Max._ The Voice chirps in.

"Oh, so you know who's done this to us? Care to give me a hint and tell me why Jeb is in a gimp suit?" Nothing. "Yeah, didn't think so. But explain to me how I know what a gimp suit is even though I've _never_ seen one in my life until now?"

_That__'__s the writers doing. She__'__s kind of__…__crazy_.

"Fourth wall, Voice. Fourth wall."

"Talking to yourself again, Max?" I freeze and my eyes slowly drift from Jeb to the door as it opens. "Or are you going to blame it on the 'Voice' again."

"Oh. My. God!" Nudge gasps as she sits up. The others do too and look slack jawed (accept for Iggy, but I'm sure he'll be pleased to be spared the details).

"Is that you, Fang?" Iggy's brow rises. "What are you doing here? Are you going to save us?"

"Doesn't look that way, Iggy." Dylan sighs and looks to me. "Right?"

I slowly nod, taking in Fang's bare chest and tight black pants which accented his bulge - but it would never in a million years match up to David Bowie's. "What _are_ you doing here? What happened to meeting in twenty years? What are you wearing? And who put Jeb in that gimp suit?"

"I'm helping the CSM in saving the world." He states and steps further into our dungeon. "And I put Jeb in the gimp suit."

"What? Why would you do that? Where's Angel?" Nudge asks, her eyes never leaving the bulge.

"Because he's a sick, twisted boy." Jeb sneers under the mask. "I've always known it, which is why I want you to be with Dylan, Max."

Fang produces a whip from behind his back and cracks the ground next to Jeb with it. "Gimps do not talk!" He snaps and Jeb pathetically whimpers.

"If you'll all co-operate and follow me, all questions will be answered." He unlocks the chain attached to Jeb from the wall and tells him to heel before leading us out, up a set of stone stairs and down a few corridors to a massive room. "Welcome to the CSM's main headquarters." Fang smiles over his shoulder at us. We all stopped in our tracks. There were people all around the room - people from the CSM - lounging around in their underwear and doing…ugh, I won't go into detail with that.

"Is this Max?" A very tiny man sat on a Great Dane asked as the dog trots over to us.

"It is, Mr. Pierpont." Fang leans over to the man and receives one hell of a kiss from him, tongue and all.

"That's…OH MY GOD!" I cringe. "I thought you were straight!?"

"I swing both ways, baby." He winks and Dylan tenses up next to me.

"Pierpont? As in Nino Pierpont?" Dylan's gorgeous turquoise eyes narrow. "The richest man in the world and the one who funds the CSM?"

"That's right!" Pierpont smirks. He looks very much like a garden gnome…exactly like one actually. "And I have become the richest man in the world through Pron!"

"Pron?" My brow rises.

"It's too hard for me to watch Pron." Iggy sighs. "Even if I can feel colours."

"Pron is awesome." Gazzy grins and looks up at Iggy. "We should watch it together and I'll describe it all to you."

My eyes shift back to Fang. "Where's Angel?"

He snaps his fingers. "Dr. Martinez."

Wait, my Mom is here!? My jaw hit's the floor as she enters through another door, wearing nothing but lace underwear and heels, and pushing a wheelchair; in the wheel chair is Angel, tied down and ball gagged. "MOM!?"

She rolls her eyes as she places Angel next to Fang. "You _still _believe that I'm your Mother? Oh please, The Director was your real Mother! Wasn't it obvious, or do you just believe everything Jeb tells you?"

"You bitch!" I scream. "I trusted you!" I then glare at Jeb and he crawls behind Fang for protection.

"You're not supposed to trust grown-ups, remember?" Fang's brow rises. "Any grown-ups. It was obvious that she was part of something evil - she had Gazzy's picture, the same one we found in that apartment building!"

"Duh." Every CSM member in the room choruses. Fang unties Angel's ball gag.

"This never would have happened if I was the leader!!!" She instantly screams. "I would have prevented this! I can prevent this!"

I ignore her. "What do you want with her?"

"Angel is Fang's perfect other half." Pierpont says and Fang nuzzles her cheek while gently stroking her hair. "They will make many Pron movies together!"

Oh my god, the writer is crazy! Not to mention twisted!

"ANGEL!" Nudge screams. "No way! I love Fang, it was _so_ obvious in the Manga - maybe it never happened like that in the book, but in the Manga it was obvious I loved him!"

"Iggy, could you?" I mutter and he slaps her.

Nudge raises her hand to her cheek and tears fill her eyes from the pain. "Thanks, I don't know what came over me there."

"So that's it then?" I look to Fang. "We're really through?"

"Pretty much." He shrugs and stands straight. "I'm over you, Max."

"No, I'm over you!" I seethe. "So much so I can do this without feeling one shred of guilt!" I pull Dylan down by his shirt and crush my lips to his. It becomes heated. We collapse to the floor. Hands roam all around.

"MAX!" Gazzy snaps me back to my senses. I shove Dylan off and get to my feet.

"So erm." I run a hand through my hair. "What do you need me for?"

"You will save the world." Pierpont states and I nod.

"I know." I sigh. "Heard it a million times before."

"I'm not finished!" He snaps. "You will save the world with your bewbs."

"Max has bewbs?" Iggy's brow rises. He comes up behind me, sticks his hands under my shirt and bra, and has a good grope. "Wow, she does!"

"HEY!" I shriek, pulling his hands out and slapping him across the face. "These are Dylan's!"

"How will Max's bewbs save the world?" Dylan inquires; still dazed from our awesome make out session.

"Max has the perfect bewbs." Pierpont begins to explain and a screen drops down from somewhere with a projection on it. "And we will use those bewbs to save the world; this happens three fold! Phase One: Kidnap Max, Phase Two: ??? And Phase Three: Profit!"

"What's Phase Two?" Nudge tilts her head to the side.

They all look between each other and Fang looks over his shoulder. "Hey Brigid, what's Phase Two?"

She pokes her head up from behind a couch, her hair a complete mess. "Phase One: Kidnap Max."

"Yeah, yeah." Fang interrupts her. "But what's Phase Two?"

She shrugs and goes back to whatever she's doing.

"Max." Pierpont begins. "Your bewbs are so awesome that everyone will forget about war, pollution, global warning - eventhoughit'salie - and worship you and your rack!"

"Ok." I begin and lift my shirt. "I really don't see what the big deal -" A huge light fills the room for a moment. When it finally fades away everyone who was stood in front of me was gone, vanished into thin air.

"I can see!" Iggy suddenly exclaims and looks to me. "Whoa, that _is_ a nice rack."

"The light must have healed his eyes." Dylan muses. "Since he was standing behind you, not in front."

"Awesome." Gazzy grins. "Max's bewbs are weapons of mass destruction!"

"We will use this power for good." I say and pull my shirt down again.

"But how?" Gazzy asks and I see Nudge smile.

_

* * *

A month later__…__._

It seems the light thing only happened once! Much to Gazzy and Iggy's disappointment; but great for me because I can let Dylan have fun with them and not worry about him being vaporized or something. We've also figured out how to save the world with my bewbs.

Phase Two: Make a load of Pron films and sell them over the internet and in stores.

Everyone worships my rack, they stopped going to war and worrying about global warming; and of course we made a profit while we were at it. Our most popular title is 'Cookies In The Cream'.

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Cookies In The Cream is an inside joke between me and AvengedSevenfold333, if you want to know about it i suggest reading her Fic Fang: A Maximum Ride Novel Avenged Style xD But do so at your own risk; and check out her Donut Song (which appeared in this fic) on youtube! It's AWESOME ;)


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